This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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