this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
