the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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