Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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