Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
BRING THE BAGELS
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize