i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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