there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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