the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
