Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What a dumb baby whore.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
