the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Randomize
