new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
