Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize