I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
