Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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