He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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