I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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