Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
