My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize