i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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