The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
PANTIES FOUND
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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