I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
