I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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