so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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