definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
