I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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