omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
