I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
