Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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