I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
