What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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