And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
