Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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