my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
