Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize