She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
