I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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