he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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