hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
