Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
