i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
