I faked an abortion last night.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
