I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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