One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Houston, we have a blender
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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