morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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