Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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