If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
