Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
