The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
