You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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