running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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