my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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