i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
