shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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