Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
