no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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