I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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