I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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