If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This is the high leading the old right now
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize