he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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