I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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