Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I love having hate sex.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
