If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
